Wednesday 3 November 2010

Dip-Sticks

There is a saying that horses were born to make fools of men. I think that saying can be extended to horse vets too. Bar-Os has recently finished a course of anti-biotics for a bladder infection. Being a law student and all that (bit of an anorak when it comes to research), I have looked into Cauda Equina Syndrome and the associated paralysis that it causes. A common side effect is bladder weakness, with inability to empty the bladder fully, which leads to recurrent cystitis. I have a tube of dip-sticks to test Bar-Os’ urine for infection; they’re quite easy to use – dip one of em in pee, wait a bit, then compare the coloured squares to those on the side of the tube. On Friday I tested Bar-Os’ pee and it showed blood in the urine. I wasn’t exactly surprised as his urine was a very dark colour. I tested it again on Monday and it was still the same, so I rang and left a message for the vet.

Vet rang back whilst I was out and left a very condescending message on my answer-phone, explaining that the dip-sticks are very difficult to ‘read’ and that I would need to take a pee sample in. I should at this point explain that a normal reading on said dip-stick for no blood in urine is pale yellow. Bar-Os’ reading was top-end of the scale, showing a very clear, unequivocal dark green square. Vet also explained that the detailed urine analysis carried out one month ago showed no infection (in other words, I’m clearly a dip-stick who can’t read squares, or have Munchausen’s Syndrome by Proxy).

Anyway, when I test Bar-Os' urine at home, it’s not too difficult because he’s a bit dribbly and I only need a drop to wet the dip-stick. Vet however, wants a ‘proper’ urine sample taken in for him to dip-stick. Not too bad thought I, Bar-Os tends to pee when I first put him in the stable (nice clean bed, just begging to be urinated on). So, there I stood in the stable, in my anorak, with high viz (I have to lead him home on the road at dusk), complete with cheerful pom-pom hat and a plastic jug. I stood there for an hour, ever hopeful, pretending to be disinterested in Bar-Os' peeing apparatus. Bar-Os just kept eyeing me suspiciously. Can’t think of a better way to spend my birthday thought I (yes, that’s right, I’m 28 (again!)). The quest was fruitless, but undeterred I shall try again this evening.

Talking of being considered an idiot. I went to the Parish Council meeting on Monday. It was packed – there were 4 members of the public present. There I sat, patiently waiting for the ‘any other matters’ bit. Mr Pompous was in full swing. Resplendent in his (polyester) pin striped suit, he waxed lyrical about important matters such as the purchase of the village telephone box (£1), the Tidy Village Competition (we lost:-)), and the piece de resistance, the pot hole in the road on the outskirts of the village. It was at this point that Mr Pompous (who has a VERY posh accent) waved his arm theatrically at his vast audience and referred to us as ‘peasants’.

I should perhaps point out that Mr Pompous has form as long as your arm. He lives in a house which he says has a long sweeping drive, flagged with willow trees, a drawing room, a nursery, a morning room, as well as a snug and a lounge. Funny thing is, from the road (about 10ft away), it looks just like the other 2 bed bungalows that neighbour his property. Must be the bloody Tardis;-)

Mr Pompous just lerves the American that has purchased the Hall, so wasn’t too pleased when I brought up the nuisance caused by the fireworks. “No, you’re wrong, they’re not fireworks from the Hall, they’re from the Lodge” he said. I pointed out (through gritted teeth), that the Lodge is over a mile away, and the fireworks in question explode over the top of my house. Nope, he wouldn’t have it. Another ‘peasant’ said that she had an email from the American confirming the fireworks provenance. Mr Pompous then changed tack, saying that it wasn’t a matter for the Parish Council. “Well” said another ‘peasant’, “you were the ones that entered into the agreement with the American allowing 6 – 8 displays per year”. The childish response was that the fireworks are the ‘quiet’ ones that cause no noise and he knew that because he had never heard them.

I pointed out that there was a compromise to be had out of this – the Hall stands in substantial grounds with a lake, ideal as a firework backdrop, which is situated well away from the residential part of the village. Mr Pompous snorted that if I thought I could do anything, I’d better think again because Environmental Health wouldn’t entertain my complaint. Watch this effing space, thought I, whilst smiling at him serenely, in a village peasant sort of way.


10 comments:

Stephanie said...

Hey BarMaid ... I'm in a bit of a mood so I am actively encouraging you to take out Mr Pompous and Mr Vet ! ( and I don't mean in a romantic kind of way ) :O)
Honestly it's the only way to go !!
Working at my .. errm favourite supermarket of choice .. has been soul destroying. After leaving a six bed country house .. four cars on the driveway and two children at private school .. I found myself in a situation today where I actually wanted to run away within half an hour of starting work . Luckily and typically my boss was unaware of my uncharacteristic stroppiness .. and despite the fact I hardly did anything constructive for the first 3 hours of the day he later congratulated me for a stirling effort... as did his boss .???? Plank..
Some people .. need to be sorted .... perhaps thats a business I could get into . I have a 4wd , Barbours , gun bags and an incontinent gun dog .. surely as a middle class , middle aged middle minded invisible nobody I could get away with murder.... steph xx
rant over !!!
ps big kiss to Bar Os

Barmaid said...

Perhaps we could start a business together eh Steph. With our vast knowledge of animal incontinence, we could do a line in Tena pads for dogs and horses:-)

I'm just getting warmed up, having spent another hour in the stable waiting for Bar-Os to pee, all to no avail. Only a male vet could make the statement that a urine sample taken a month ago is proof that no cystitis is present today. Men:-) !!!

Michael said...

All sounds very exciting re. fireworks. I suggest lighting a firework underneath Mr Pompous tomorrow (or putting him on the bonfire for that matter).

Women always complain about gents' drips in my experience... poor bar os ... he can't appreciate you describing him as "a bit dribbly" :p

You should have told him to think of a dripping tap or a babbling brook - might have saved you the long wait! ;-)

Barmaid said...

I daren't put Mr Pompous on the bonfire Michael, all that polyester burning would have me in trouble with Environmental Health;-)!

As for Bar-Os, I'm his mum, so allowed to say embarrassing things about him; goes with the territory:-)

Minx said...

O the ignimony of dribbling incontinence! Speaking as one whos own cauda equina gave up the ghost YEARS ago, I unreservedly pass on my sympathy to poor old Bar-Os!
Whilst your vet is being very silly when he states that urinalysis sticks are difficult to read, he is is right to ask for a urine sample; the sticks are indicative of a problem which needs investigation, rather than being concrete proof of a problem.
I do hope he has delivered the goods, so to speak both in terms of stick peeing and sample provision- may be he needs rolling antibiotics?

As to Mr Pompous, I would personally add a hefty quantity of Starch to his polyester suit put a coat hanger between the shoulders and hang it - with him in it - on a hook on the village hall door. I fear his type will come completely out of their jobsworth closets with the advent of the Condemns, I'm afraid.....

Minx said...

... PS - could you slip me your email addy, Maid? Its not in my e-book and I've been dying to get in touch!!

Barmaid said...

Minxy - I spoke to vet yesterday and explained my problem in getting a sample from my somewhat shy and retiring (yeh right!) horse. He's not one for prescribing anti-biotics willy nilly (pardon the pun), so alas, I'm stuffed. The articles I've read suggest regular anti-biotics to keep the bugs at bay, but you know these vets are like...

As for Mr Pompous - he's parading about the village in a kilt today, despite being some 200 miles away from Scotland and having no Celtic blood in his veins. It's kept me amused whilst I've been doing some very boring paperwork. He just doesn't have the legs for it:-)

white rabbit said...

Your horse is a law student???

:O

Barmaid said...

WR - well yes, what's wrong with that (be very careful here, the Bar is meant to embrace diversity these days)? :-)

Tulsa Divorce Lawyers said...

BM it sounds like you really did your research on this project :)