Barmaid has got to know you a little better and feels comfortable enough to mention something that has been perplexing her for some time. It involves the Law of Gravity.
Barmaid's village is a hotbed of salacious gossip. Topics, such as the mobile library being 10 minutes late last week, are discussed with earnest animation. I've no idea who Ernest Animation is, by the way, but he's a scandal monger.
Anyway, the latest hot topic involves something a bit more juicy. It involves a lady who has recently moved into the village and who's presence is threatening the rural, sleepy idyll that the residents have enjoyed and indeed taken for granted for centuries. You see, it's her breasts. In every way, she epitomises respectability and decency - apart from her knockers. Come rain or shine, she is bra-less and 'alert' if you get my drift. And she wears crochet tops, with big holes, without a bra! But that's not the end of the sorry tale. It's the, well, position of the raspberry ripples that are causing most concern amongst the villagers. Roughly speaking, as far as we know, they should be more or less central, but, these aren't. They are about 2 inches higher. Barmaid thought that they were rubber ones that had slipped upwards, but closer inspection has verified that they are real! Not only that, but they also point upwards, a bit like coat pegs and equally as dangerous.
Well, you can imagine what a turmoil the village is in. None of the men have a clue what she actually 'looks' like - hair colour, eye colour - nope, not a clue.
Barmaid was consulted by the Parish Council regarding the legal aspects of such 'items'. She told them, that as far as she knows, planning consent isn't required for the offending 'items', not even in a Conservation Village, although they do definitely protrude beyond the building line.
Over the years, the village has successfully fought the onslaught of BSE, Foot and Mouth Disease and the decline of the local bus service, but this latest threat could well put an end to us.
6 comments:
Does Thong Bottom accompany the, er, Raspberry Ripple (s)? If so, this is a most DREADFUL combination!
If the articles in question are a bit TOO bouncy and High Set, it may be that she's had IMPLANTS, and wants to show them off!!! EEEEE!! Scandal INDEED!! (the only way you will know if thats the case is if you see her lying down, because they wont move!!)
Or better still, BM, give her a fondle and report back soonest ! Can we have a vid ?
I'm not going anywhere near them BB, they are definitely not approachable or friendly and anyway, BM has an irrational fear of all things rigid and upright.
There is no thong to report Minxy, well, only All Things Bright and Beautiful wafting out of the Church on a Sunday. In fact, in every way, the lady in question resembles a vicar's wife, apart from the boobs. If they are for real, God must have made them with an additional dose of sand and cement, you could crack nuts on them. No dirty thoughts on that last bit please, BM is a sensitive soul.
I am stretched to recall vicar's wives bra-less in crochet tops, even during harvest festival or at the fete. but oh how this takes me back to the village of my puberty...
Although my natural inclination is to spring to this woman's defence, perhaps the Parish Council could consider Nuisance, as tort or as a private prosecution under the EPA if said unnatural levity could be shown to be a risk to health and well-being of the villagers.
otherwise, it is research in the parish byelaws. There is bound to be something, even if it possibly dates from the 17th century and involves ducking stools.
Oh NL, I fear that ducking stools may only worsen the raspberry ripple problem, all that cold water and clingy cloth.
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